Leaving Program…

If you are feeling restless, irritable, and discontented, blaming it on DA, thinking about exiting stage left … just remember that leaving DA won’t give you more money.

For the first two years of my DA HOW recovery, I wanted to leave program so often it was a joke.

I saw the daily writing of DA HOW as a ridiculous amount of pressure and when I was told “not now” to my intense obsessions to spend, I felt like a trapped animal.

Yes, I was trapped, but by my desires, not by the Program.

What did I think would happen if I left? That suddenly money would magically grow on trees?

All that would have happened was that I would have released the pressure valve of what I perceived to be denial and spent down all the money I had accumulated in recovery. I would have used the time I spent writing to buy more useless stuff I couldn’t live without. And then what?

Well, I think we know what. I surely know because I’ve been there before. I left DA in 2000, debt-free, after paying off $22,000 in unsecured debt. I returned in 2009 with $34,000 in unsecured debt.

This time, I chose to stay in program at the urging of a network of people who strongly suggested (each time) that I wait until the extreme emotions passed… just as I wait to purchase until I am calm about doing so. Once the storm subsided, if I wanted to leave in calm, then so be it, they said.

My friends wisely knew that when the feelings passed, I would come to my senses and realize that there is no easier, softer way for me. And I did … again and again and again.

Thankfully, it’s been over two years since that painful delusion has crossed my mind. I have come to cherish my daily writing as a way my Higher Power helps me see the truth and uncover what I really feel. And I often find it amusing when I am told “not now” to something that I want so badly it hurts after I snap out of my initial knee-jerk reaction.

For today, I live in the truth.

For today, I know that leaving program doesn’t mean I will suddenly have more money. It means that I will destroy what I have built in recovery.

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