Waiting

“Today I accept that I’m a compulsive debtor and I don’t debt one day at a time, and that has brought my financial, emotional, and spiritual lives into a wondrous divine order.”
From “50 Ways to Not Recover: How to Avoid Taking Step One,” DA Ways & Means newsletter, Quarter One 2009

I still feel stubbornly attached to saying I’m a compulsive spender. But this writer is correct. All I need to do is not incur unsecured debt one day at a time. By that one action, I am prevented from compulsive spending because if I spend compulsively, I will inevitably debt. I am so grateful to DA HOW for giving me the structure around which not to debt.

Left to my own devices, even in regular DA, I would end up compulsively spending. I know it because I did it. There is no way I wouldn’t fall into the hole of compulsive spending, which inevitably leads to debting, without my committing what I spend before I do it every single day, every single dollar. While there are many who find recovery in DA, the added accountability in the HOW way of working the program is necessary for my continued recovery.

Even though my spending plan is a symbol of my Higher Power and I cherish it, without the daily accountability for all my spending, I would debt. I need the feedback of my sponsor and my PRG team to guide me and to keep me from compulsive spending, to remind me that the obsession will pass, to encourage me to wait when to do otherwise would be to my detriment. Otherwise, I would be white knuckling it every single day until I exploded to find relief in a binge of compulsive spending.

I am so lucky to have this program. More lucky that God has gifted me with willingness. Because the program is always here, but I have not always been willing. In DA HOW, it is so much easier to work this program for me because I have a proven structure under which I can keep the pressure from building up.

When cravings and obsession hit, they may try to drown me, drown out the voice of reason, but because I MUST talk about my spending before doing it, I am given the Grace of space to become willing to wait. And waiting is my Higher Power’s voice in that space. Waiting is a profound spiritual gift that I never before appreciated. Every time I have an obsession to buy, that, too, is a gift, because it gives me the opportunity to practice waiting.

God: Thank you for showing me the light in waiting. And knowing that purchasing in obsession is a sure sign of regression.

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